The previous post is A Commissionary.
The next post is Windows Update.

The Era of the Vampires · Nov 17, 11:34 PM

From the DVD jacket of Tsui hark’s Vampire Hunters,

In 19th century China, an evil monk awakes a nest of ghoulish vampires hell-bent on devouring human life. Now, a quartet of heroes trained in the Taoist Mao Shan school of magic and their master must use their unique powers to destroy the Vampire King and its lethal coven before it’s too late.

For those of you who don’t know, Chinese vampires (僵å±?) are not much like their suave western brothers. They don’t turn into bats and they don’t seduce ladies. They aren’t even homoerotic like any decent vampire ought to be. They can’t even walk, really; they just hop around stiffly and the Vampire King sucks your blood out through your facial orifices whenever you get too close. Also, in this flick

Most shots of the vampire look like they replaced his head with a 4-year old’s clay art project.

But it’s not all bad, that review had just finished pointing out

A mixed blessing comes in the form of art direction that refreshingly shies away from the traditional ‘hopping vampire in blue, Qing Dynasty robes’ that became firmly established with the popular Mr. Vampire series in the mid-eighties

and

This film is not as bad as some critics have made it out to be. If you only compare it to Tsui Hark’s better films, then you’ll surely be disappointed.

In conclusion, I repeate the DVD jacket when it says,

Hong Kong action thrills in the vein of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon!

Um.

And Manos: Hands of Fate is “in the vein” of Psycho. Frankly, I think the only take-home-able message of this film is keep buckets of water around to pour on yourself because then the VK can’t see you when you’re wet. And rent Mr. Vampire. And don’t marry into a family that keeps their dead preserved in wax.

I guess I did learn a lot from this movie. Thank you, movie.

* * *

  1. i heard a nasty rumor that you guys (202 NW 21st terr) actually rented and viewed manos. my heart bleeds for you if you did. — Dave    Nov 18, 01:50 AM    #

  2. Manos is bad, but it’s nothing compared to C. and the M.F. movie, which I refuse even to name. May they all be sticken from IMDB and thrown into the outer darkness. The director of the latter, at least, has redeemed himself in part. — Tom    Nov 18, 11:47 AM    #

  3. Wow, I just checked out your link to Manos’ IMDB entry again….One of the actresses off’d herself after the movie was made: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0698418/

    Also, check this out: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0422433/

    Should be interesting.

    p.s. Charlie and the Monkey Factory? — JFu    Nov 19, 05:15 PM    #

Name
E-mail
http://
Message
  Textile Help